I started writing this before the summer holiday and am finishing it now that the holidays are over (summer is not), so it might read a bit disjointed, because it is.

Summer blues

Summer is here and ever since I was little I have felt the anticipatory sadness of summer ending as soon as it starts. Free time and sunny days, so many plans and half-formed ideas of activities, endless hours of just gaming or hanging around at the communal pool, going to the forest. But the idea of the holidays ending and school resuming always hung over everything, autumn was always just around the corner. I don’t know whether this is a common feeling or a product of my anxiety (which also is a common condition). I am working on just enjoying the moment and not thinking too much about the fleeting nature of everything. But this feeling of the summer ending when in reality it just started has many forms in my daily life as an adult.

Free time

The most common situation that resembles summer blues these days is alone time, when I have no family responsibilities and somewhere between an hour and a couple of days all to myself. I love my family and I am happy that most of my time is not alone time, but I also really cherish the freedom that comes with being alone. Playing video games for hours, not planning dinner, just listening to an audio book, spending time with any of my many hobbies. But there are many more things I want to do than I have time for, so I often end up doing none of them and just watching Youtube videos or taking a nap because I feel bad in advance about not being able to do all of the fun things. And then I feel like I wasted my free time because I didn’t fill it with quality activities. Of course that’s a mental trap, I still relaxed and there is no point in pressuring myself into having fun.

When I have more free time than a couple of hours coming up, I plan all the fun things I will do weeks in advance . I don’t give myself room to enjoy them in the moment. The anticipation is the real fun and when the time comes to start a new Satisfactory save, I realise that I’m not in the mood for Satisfactory at all and I spiral into morosity because I am not living up to my maximum relaxation or enjoyment potential. Or I end up spending a whole day on empty-calory games like idlers or gachas and then I feel bad because I did not play something more high quality.

The Lutheran idea of purpose and self-worth

The most ‘fulfilling’ activities, in the sense that I feel good in an uncomplicated way after doing them are work or work-like. When I am working on a complicated problem, I don’t mind using my free time on it, because I love the feeling of achievement and self-worth I derive from finishing it. Most memorable to me, because of the irony, I once finished an R package on the first of May, Workers’ Day. I had some hours to myself because my family was out in the city, walking in the parade (a highlight for us lefties here in Norway). I felt great about it, because I enjoyed the activity and it gave me a feeling of deep satisfaction that I used my free time productively. Similarly, although I rarely do it, I love the feeling of having worked out. I hate doing it, but I love the feeling that I did something that I am supposed to do, because it is ‘good’ for me. In general, hard work, physical activity, self-improvement and a passion for constructive hobbies are regarded as virtuous in many cultures. The protestant tradition of central Europe that raised me certainly values them higher than ‘having fun’. Quality time is much more important than free time in this tradition.

The downsides

For my own well-being, I think this is ultimately a bad way to approach free time. Ideally, my self-worth should be independent of how I spend my time, particularly my free time. This is a profound but hard to implement realisation. It’s great to self-improve, be productive and constructive at all times, but I don’t have the amount of free time I did five years ago. I should balance activities that give me energy with those that cost me energy, regardless of how high they are in my estimate of ‘quality’. Feeling good by doing something that reflects well on me in my own view only works because I chronically feel bad about myself. This robs me of energy that I could use for productive activity. It’s like breathing in the whole time because I feel like I need air, but breathing out would actually bring relief.

An inability to play

These are two main components of my inability to ‘just’ have fun when I have time to have fun. The anticipatory anxiety of my free time ending without having been maximised, and my tendency to not feel good about myself without having achieved something. I also bore quickly, but I think that mixes with the other two issues to a large extent. I can’t really tell apart whether I am not in the mood to play a certain game or pursue a hobby, because it bores me, or because I feel it’s not a good enough use of my time. There’s no great conclusion to this, no five-step plan to fix it. I am navigating occasion by occasion. I try to be aware of how I feel on a given day and whether I actually want to program or take a walk, go swimming or play an idle game and zone out. I try to enjoy the moment, regardless of how ‘valuable’ it is and I aspire to, sometimes, just have fun.